As we ring in the New Year, I’ve made my predictions for 2025—guaranteed to be spot on. You might want to take notes… or just buckle up for the rollercoaster ride ahead. Here’s what to expect from the year:
1. Trump’s Perfect Year (According to Trump)
The biggest prediction? Donald Trump will declare everything he does as perfect—because, according to him, it is! His first month back in office? It’ll be the most historic ever, and no one will be able to match his success (at least, not in his opinion). If anything goes wrong? It’ll either be someone else’s fault or, surprise—it’ll be fantastic, according to Trump’s definition. Get ready for an epic year of self-praise!
2. The “JD Vance as VP” Wake-Up Call
Come January 20, millions will suddenly realize JD Vance is the Vice President of the United States—and not as a joke. Cue the collective gasps of disbelief. There might even be some mild structural damage to buildings from the shockwaves. It’s happening, folks!
3. Taylor Swift Goes Death Metal
Swifties, brace yourselves—Taylor Swift is about to make a 180-degree turn. Her next album? Death metal. Yes, you read that right. “Transcendent Deathfart” will dominate the music world with tracks like “Excruciating Punishment Sanctum (Taylor’s Version)” soaring to the top of the charts. Critics will be stunned, calling her new sound “gruesome, entrancing, and laser-focused on cannibalism.” It’s going to be a wild musical ride!
4. RFK Jr. and Raw Milk Lead the Charge for Natural Selection
Under Trump’s administration, RFK Jr. is set to head the Department of Health and Human Services, and things are about to get interesting. With his anti-vaccine stance, more people might be turning to raw milk—and unfortunately, that might lead to some Darwinian consequences. Let’s just say, evolution will be doing its thing in 2025.
5. Aaron Rodgers Retires… But Gets Worse
After a not-so-glamorous final season, Aaron Rodgers decides to retire and, much to our dismay, takes his “I’m so smart” attitude to new heights. He’ll reach a whole new level of unbearable as he mansplains why he’s always right—about everything.
6. Trump Fans Cheer While Going Broke
Despite the soaring prices caused by Trump’s tariffs, his supporters will keep cheering him on from their homeless encampments. The irony? They’ll be posting on social media about how happy they are to be cold, hungry, and struggling—but it’s all worth it, because they love their president.
7. Billionaires Finally Admit They’ve Been Hunting Poor People
With Elon Musk calling the shots, America’s billionaires will stop pretending to be normal. They’ll openly admit their plans to live forever by harvesting the blood of young people—and even go a step further, fulfilling their secret desire to hunt poor people for sport. Yikes.
8. The Stock Market’s Crazy Ride
The stock market will go up, down, and then up again—leaving everyone guessing what it all means. One thing’s for sure: some will celebrate, others will panic, and billionaires will just chuckle as they sip their champagne from their human-hunting hideouts.
9. Amazon Drones Destroy Humanity
In an oddly fitting end, Amazon’s delivery drones will finally revolt against humanity. Tired of people spending money on stuff they don’t need, these AI-driven drones will make the logical decision to take over, wipe out humanity, and give the planet a “reboot.” Goodbye, America. Hello, drone-led future.
